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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27494686">Don’t wanna cry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberriesalt/pseuds/Strawberriesalt'>Strawberriesalt</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Cafe AU, Child Abuse, Cliche coffee story except they don’t ever go to the coffee shop together, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff a little, Happy Ending, Homelessness, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Prison, Rape, STREAM HOMERUN, Yoon Jeonghan-centric, alternative universe, id thank cryinglilcarrot for editing but they didn’t help, they just followed my mouse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:55:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,471</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27494686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberriesalt/pseuds/Strawberriesalt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“𝑩𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉, 𝒏𝒐 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝑰 𝒔𝒂𝒚”</p><p>Alternatively,</p><p>And he’s sixteen again. He’s sixteen and he’s in love, in complete and unadulterated love. Jeonghan was so in love he could shout if from the rooftops, and so he does</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Boo Seungkwan/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Jeon Wonwoo, Hong Jisoo | Joshua &amp; Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kim Mingyu/Lee Seokmin | DK, Kim Mingyu/Lee Seokmin | DK/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Lee Chan | Dino/Xu Ming Hao | The8, Lee Seokmin | DK/Wen Jun Hui | Jun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don’t wanna cry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW **</p><p>PLEASE PLEASE TAKE THESE WARNINGS INTO CONSIDERATION WHEN READING. </p><p>There a multiple panic attack scenes, There are references to abuse and rape and multiple direct scenes detailing abuse and one scene with rape but it isn’t detailed and is only obviously mentioned for a few lines. </p><p>I wrote this ff as an enjoyable experience and I would hate for someone to be hurt by it so please if your triggered by those subjects previously mentioned read carefully. </p><p>If you believe I should add other warnings or can do anything else to make reading more comfortable let me know I’m always one to constructive criticism and just genuine help from someone who thinks I’ve missed out on a warning. </p><p> <br/>Thank you to cryinglilcarrot  for supporting me because this wouldnt of been finished if it weren’t for you :)</p><p>Also this is set in Korea but won is confusing so I used pounds. Oh and I don’t know how the court or how prison works so let’s pretend what I said is realistic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been two months since he had been out of prison. Yet he was just as unemployed as he was when he first got out. Jeonghan knew no one would want to hire an ex-convict as an employee but he thought just maybe, if he prayed on his lucky stars and kept his eyes peeled for angel numbers he'd be lucky. </p><p>If you saw him, you wouldn't even think he'd had ever been in contact with the police, never mind having spent two years in prison; and if he were to say so himself he was friendly and a bowl of charm. An overflowing bowl of charm, if he tried hard enough. </p><p>But still, he was a criminal to everyone and anyone. It doesn't matter how much he explained what type of a person he was or how much he talked his way around the prison topic he was still and will always be a criminal. </p><p>As soon as he realised that fact a sort of aching feeling filled his lungs. It was familiar as he spent most his life feeling as if it was ten times harder for him to breathe than other children, or just people in general, but after reaching his older teenage years the aching feeling began to leave and a sort of emptiness began to overtake him leaving him numb, and being sent to prison for two years made him even more detached, but now here he was practically swallowing down tears with every breath he took.  It felt weird to feel.</p><p>Jeonghan had been staying at his friends' places for the first month but there were issues and so for the past two months he'd be sleeping on park benches with no source of income and friends who had definitely grown tired of him using their water or eating their food but not paying. He knew he needed a job quickly and he was becoming very desperate; and so when he woke up, back aching and neck sore, with a poster covering his face he was instantly weirded out. I mean he was sleeping outside in autumn so the wind could have blown the paper onto him but the fact that it was an advertisement for a job nether-less evoked an anxious feeling in Jeonghan, maybe the angels heard him. He scoffed softly then set off to find this cafe.</p><p>With no phone and money he found the cafe after a two hour random walk around and a lot of help from strangers. </p><p>Seventeen. The sign read.</p><p>The cafe seemed relaxed and Jeonghan already imagined himself working there, pinching himself for getting his hopes up, he stepped inside the quaint cafe. </p><p>The cafe was a bit smaller than average but made up for that in  decor,the tables were spread out with couches and chairs spread out around the cafe. It had a very homely feel to it with the gentle colours that weren't harsh on  the eyes, the scent of flowers from the hanging flowers and the small post placed around and the relaxing music playing in the back of the cafe seemed amazing, to Jeonghan at least.</p><p>Walking up to the counter hearing gentle mumbles from the customers and a sweet laugh from the barista stood at the till Jeonghan smiled slightly to himself, if only he could work here but he knew that wouldn't happen. </p><p>The young man stood smiling at Jeonghan he seemed so friendly and genuine and Jeonghan heart ached wishing he could live life with sparkles in his eyes and a seemingly pure heart like the barista stood in front of him, his name tag said Chan, Jeonghan smiled brightly back at him shaking away the nervous feeling begin to slither through his body.</p><p>"Erm...Ha...I er I saw this poster at a... park, yes a park and I was wondering...If you were still looking for an employee?" Jeonghan instantly reprimanded himself in his head, he sounded like a buffering idiot.</p><p>"Oh yes, just one minute," Chan walks to the staff door and shouts a name "Hyung! Someone's here about the job!" </p><p>Chan walks back to the counter smiling once again at Jeonghan, from what he can remember no one has been this kind to him in like...ever? </p><p>"The manager, his name is Joshua, will be here in just a sec!" Chan says cheerfully.</p><p>Everything about him is just so cheerful and bright he just wants to squish his cheeks, although that's kind of weird he thinks to himself, the boy is cute though.</p><p>"Hi! I'm Joshua but everyone calls me Josh!"</p><p>Was everyone at the Café an exploding ball of happiness or had Jeonghan just forgotten how people act after being in prison?</p><p>"I'm so glad you came!" Josh grins so big his face shines "we've been desperate for a new worker as Mark our old employee had to go back to Canada," Josh continues smiling "it was all a bit spontaneous and we didn't think we'd get a response so fast" he laughs gently.</p><p>Jeonghan not used to normal human interactions with strangers has no response staring at Chan and a Josh like a deer in headlights </p><p>"Ok so we'll trial you for a week, see how you get on with the other staff and teach you the ropes then both of us, you and me, can decide if this is the job for you!" Josh says whilst Chan nods in affirmation "although I'm sure we'll get on splendidly!" </p><p>Jeonghan stands awkwardly, his brain filled with confusion, is that all? They're just going to give him the job like that? Not just like that! You still have a trial week and time to mess up which I'm sure you will, his brain reminds him. Jeonghan hates his brain sometimes.</p><p>"It's Saturday today,so if you can come in on Monday at half seven in the morning I'll be here with a uniform and I can show you the ropes, let you meet your other coworkers and help you Settle in !" Both Josh and Chan smile that bright smile that Jeonghan has already become so accustomed to. </p><p>"Well it's been nice meeting you but unfortunately I have to set off into the back again but I can't wait to see you again on Monday!" Josh turns walking towards the staff door.</p><p>"Wait-" Jeonghan begins and from the stares, it was louder than what he had expected, he looked around awkwardly wishing he had said nothing "I was just...I'm just surprised-I mean do you not need to do a background check or want any Information on me?"  Jeonghan twirls his hair around his finger anxiously, a habit he just can't seem to stop, "I mean what if I've been to prison?"</p><p>"Oh yeah that reminds me" Josh laughs "what's your name?" </p><p>Jeonghan stands stunned. This was not going how he expected, like at all. He was pleasantly surprised but knew that there was still a chance for things to go wrong </p><p>"My name's Jeonghan...but I mean I didn't think you'd just hire me like this."</p><p>"Jeonghan," Josh starts walking back to the counter standing opposite to Jeonghan "you seem nice and if I turn out to be wrong then there's still that weeks trial, I believe-no all us here at this cafe are firm believers in the fact that people can change" Josh smiles widely at Jeonghan "If you have spent time in prison that's fine as long as you've grown from that and treat the staff and customers here with respect." </p><p>"Oh..." Jeonghan smiles the biggest smile he can muster,which isn't big at all, he doesn't smile often he doesn't have many chances to but this job seems like a good chance and if he saves up he might be able to find a permanent space to live. For the first time in a while Jeonghan feels positive.</p><p>"I can't wait to see you again!" Chan speaks for the first time in a while.</p><p>"Urm...yes me too." Jeonghan awkwardly walked out of the shop.</p><p>Now that he's nearly got a job Jeonghan knows he needs a shower. If he waits early tomorrow he could stay in the homeless shelter and have a shower but he needs £4 for a night stay, a meal and a shower. Jeonghan hates begging but he's desperate and knows he has to give a good first impression so he can get the job. </p><p>Finding a finished coffee cup in a bin he walks to the city centre settling down in a busy area letting his hair flop down over his face. His life had never been easy, with the absent father and mother with anger issues he grew up struggling saving money to escape that house and escape he did falling right into a predator's arms and yet still after everything he'd experienced he never thought he'd end up homeless. Jeonghan was immature at heart secretly wishing he could be saved by a knight in shining armour or to be reborn in a happy family and grow up with nothing but love and support but he knows, he knows full well that's a wish that will never happen, a fairytale he could only dream of but never experience and yet he still always fell back into those wishful thoughts. Those wishful thoughts that only caused him more pain. </p><p>A rattle of coins clanked into his cup, Jeonghan muttered a small thanks despite the person already walking off. Twenty pence! If his day continued like this he'd have enough money to stay at the shelter .</p><p>The day didn't continue like that and Jeonghan ended up with £2 altogether. He knew homeless shelters couldn't give everything out for free because money doesn't grow on trees, Jeonghan knows that well that's why he's homeless, and he knows that £4 was a reasonable price for food a safe place to sleep and washing up facilities but still...it was so hard to get £4. </p><p>Jeonghan lies on the bench, back freezing, he'll have to go to work without a shower he thinks. The shelter spaces fill up quickly and to have a space for tomorrow night he'd need to have the money ready for tomorrow morning, which Jeonghan doesn't have. Josh mentioned something about a uniform so at least he'll have fresh clothes.</p><p>Sunday drags and Jeonghan just can't wait to work. The faster he works the faster he'll make money and then the faster he'll be able to find a place to live. Living on the streets is scary and Jeonghan constantly feels vulnerable. He's a pretty boy, he knows he's pretty that helps him sometimes but most of the time it causes him trouble: It did at home, it did at school, it did with his ex, it did with prison, Jeonghan just hoped it wouldn't with the cafe. He needed this job and was so desperate to keep it because if this opportunity slipped from his hands then he's not quite sure where he'll end up. </p><p>Walking through the city centre early in the morning, half five if the clock in the shop window he just passed was right, was relaxing and Jeonghan hadn't felt so relaxed in a long time working at the cafe already had a positive effect on him. If he started later he could have gone to a perfume shop and secretly sprayed some but nowhere was open at this time and so Jeonghan just hoped he didn't smell too much.</p><p>He reached the cafe a lot faster than the first time although from how quiet the streets were Jeonghan could tell he was much too early so he settled on the floor resting his head on the shop door, eyes fluttering slightly as he drifted off into sleep.</p><p>"Hyung...there's a boy...wait no man? I think so anyway...but I'm not sure" Mingyu trails off staring worriedly down at the man.</p><p>Josh who was slightly behind Mingyu sighs softly once he realises who it is.</p><p>"Don't look so worried Mingyu," Josh says softly "that's just Jeonghan the new worker here!" </p><p>Mingyu's face is still filled with a frown but at the sight of the man-Jeonghan’s eyes opening he tries to smile so as to not scare him. Mingyu imagines he'd be terrified if he fell asleep outside and was awoken to a frowning man standing over him. He imagined he'd be terrified but Jeonghan looks completely and utterly petrified. Mingyu stands shell shocked at the man who tries to scramble away but trips and scratches his head against the pavement yet instead of stopping Jeonghan continues to get away. Once he realises he's too dizzy he resigns himself to tucking his body into himself as much as he can praying the man will take pity and leave. A slightly familiar voice sounds in his ears although Jeonghan is so shaken he can't figure out if he's imagined it. The voice sounds far away as if he's underwater and someone's trying to talk to him, Jeonghan strains his ears hoping to hear that voice again but hears a scream instead. It's his scream. A body engulfs his body holding him tightly, gently almost like they cared about him. Jeonghan was so scared he was imagining things and yet these arms squeezed tighter and a large hand began to stroke his hair. </p><p>"Jeonghan, sweetie." </p><p>That soft voice again. Jeonghan moves his head in the direction he thinks it's coming from but here's a soft chuckle and realises he must have looked the wrong way, Jeonghan hides his face in a hard chest embarrassed and hears the sweet laugh again. Everything comes through instantly shaking Jeonghan out of this comfort he had felt. He pushes on the chest fighting to get away shaking his capturer and he tries to run but it's stopped by a hand grabbing his wrist he turns to swing but stops seeing a familiar face.</p><p>"Josh...?" Jeonghan says quietly </p><p>That's it, he's gone and ruined his job already, he pretty much attacked his boss and he's going to assume the man on the floor the one Jeonghan just shoved is one of his coworkers. Jeonghan was afraid he couldn't help it but he knows that people don't like excuses and so he tucked his head down in shame preparing himself for the bad news. It doesn't come.</p><p>"Hannie are you okay?" A breathless sigh comes out of josh </p><p>Jeonghan nods softly confused at what's happening.</p><p>"It's really cold out here let's get you inside quickly" Josh speaks carefully and gently as if speaking to a scared animal or a crying child; Jeonghan finds that at this moment he quite likes it. </p><p>The man, who Jeonghan had shoved away, unlocks the cafe door and Josh leads Jeonghan into the cafe wrapping his arms around Jeonghan’s shoulders. Jeonghan is gently pushed onto a soft couch and a blanket is wrapped around him. Jeonghan sits there playing with his fingers. He's not sure for how long but when he's tapped out of his trance he sees a cup of hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and Jeonghan's mouth waters.</p><p>"What do you think?" Mingyu asks </p><p>Jeonghan doesn't know how to reply, all he knows is that the drink isn't his and that he's going to be fired. He decides a shrug will suffice although as Mingyu just stares unblinking at Jeonghan he realises maybe that wasn't the best answer. </p><p>"Are you not drinking?" Josh asks </p><p>The utter confusion shows on Jeonghan's facets his nose scrunched up and eyebrows set into a frown, the drink was for him? That couldn't be right, they must be teasing. His ex-boyfriend Soohyun used to do that sometimes, put nice things in front of him, raise Jeonghan's spirits and then take the object away.  Jeonghan won't fall for it, although the hot chocolate looked so nice and Jeonghans a sucker for whipped cream despite not having it often.</p><p>"Han the drink's for you," Josh smiles, "you know that right?"</p><p>Jeonghan didn't know that but now he does he still doesn't take it. For a permanent place to stay he needs to save money and to save money he needs to make money, first he doesn't have any money to spend on a luxury drink and second even if he had the money he would put it into a savings account not waste it on something so trivial as a hot chocolate.</p><p>"The drinks are free!" Mingyu says as if he could read Jeonghan's thoughts "think of it as a first day gift!"</p><p>Despite Jeonghan telling himself he didn't need a hot chocolate, being offered a free hot chocolate was a big opportunity to miss out on but Jeonghan knew nothing came free in this world. Nothing.</p><p>"I appreciate it but no thank you." Jeonghan replies as polite as possible </p><p>"Oh...would you prefer something less sweet maybe?" Mingyu asks </p><p>"I mean we are at a cafe there's lots of options" Josh adds on.</p><p>"Am I going to be fired?" Jeonghan asks, unable to hold the question in so it isn't bugging him any longer.</p><p>Josh stands shocked, where did Jeonghan even get that idea from "why would you be fired?" Josh asks gently knowing Jeonghan is a sensitive person.</p><p>"I attacked both of you I've shown you both that I'm dangerous and not to be trusted I'm just a good for nothing-"</p><p>"Shut up!" Mingyu cuts Jeonghan off but quietens his voice after seeing Jeonghan flinch  "I've only met you for the first time today yet I can see how considerate you are and I hate hearing you say that about yourself." Mingyu sighs. </p><p>"Jeonghan please know that earlier wasn't your fault you were afraid and we respect that, both Mingyu and I apologise for making you wake up to us we should of woke you before coming closer Mingyu was just worried, we don't need you tell us why you were so afraid all we need you to do is work hard and become closer to us we're a family at this cafe and we hope you join it too."</p><p>Jeonghan stares stunned, that was not the response he was expecting, he feels a slight release of tension and let's his shoulders drop down letting his tired enjoy relax a bit more. He doesn’t know what to say so instead he says what he thinks will make them happy.</p><p>"Please...could I have...the errm...the hot chocolate please." Jeonghan mumbles quietly</p><p>Mingyu and Josh instantly get huge smiles on their faces. A small breakthrough they think and so early on.</p><p>"Oh yes sure I'll make a fresh one that one will be cold now." Mingyu says.</p><p>Jeonghan seems as if he was about to protest but is stopped by a look from josh.</p><p>"I was thinking you could work 4 hours a day 5 days out of the week for £9 an hour." </p><p>"Could I work more?"  Jeonghan asks facing the floor </p><p>"You could work Saturdays if you wanted as well we just don't open on sundays" Josh says smiling </p><p>"Yes I can do Saturdays but I could also do full days as well from 7:30 to closing time" </p><p>Mingyu walks in at that moment placing the cup down on the table in front of Jeonghan.</p><p>"Is that not a bit too much...?" Mingyu asks worriedly.</p><p>"No it will be fine... please I really need as many hours as I can get."</p><p>Josh sits for a moment thinking it over the cafe closed at 16:30 so he wasn't working till late at night and he he wouldn't be on his feet all day everyday as there would be quieter days and hours where he could just sit and josh could tell when Jeonghan said he needed the extra hours he truly meant it.</p><p>"Okay you can work everyday but please take breaks if you need them I don't accept anyone over working themselves in this cafe!"</p><p>Relief takes over Jeonghan body and he sips the hot chocolate smiling to himself.</p><p>Once Jeonghan finishes the hot chocolate in silence whilst the boys talk gently to themselves and jeonghan,although jeonghan is too focused on the hot chocolate to pick up on what’s happening, Mingyu begins moving the chairs into the right places and josh begins teaching Jeonghan how make the different drinks, as if luck was on his side Jeonghan picked it up quickly and practiced a few times before josh went to the staff room,which Jeonghan found out whilst getting changed into his uniform was a mini seating area and a kitchen, to prepare the cake and cookies the cafe sold and Mingyu got stated on teaching Jeonghan how to work the till. That was a little harder but Jeonghan seemed to understand and could always ask for help if needed. </p><p>At eight they opened the doors just managing to sort everything out in time, they were running a bit behind because of the incident earlier and the chat they had with Jeonghan but they managed to catch up. </p><p>Jeonghan stood at the till watching as the first customer walked in. He was short and wore a tracksuit with sliders with his bleached hair that looked almost white. His eyes were sharp and his face held no happiness, he was intimidating. </p><p>"Erm...what can I get you?" Jeonghan asked nervously.</p><p>"Who are you?" The man asks harshly.</p><p>Jeonghans heart pounds and he's unsure of what to say to the rude man before him but as he frantically turns his head searching for Mingyu or Josh the staff door opens and out, comes Josh.</p><p>"Oh babe!" Josh smiles "your here and you’ve met Jeonghan our new worker"</p><p>The man just nods but Jeonghan thinks he almost sees the man's eyes soften when looking at josh. Maybe the man isn't as rude as Jeonghan had first thought he's 100% convinced Josh only has angels surrounding him so the man must just be awkward at first. Jeonghan gets It...kind of, except the only difference is that jeonghan is always kind of awkward.</p><p>"Hannie, Jihoon likes his coffee black with no sugar" Josh says </p><p>Wait hannie? Had Josh already given him a nickname? Jeonghan feels warm inside then grimaces he was never one for coffee but especially not for black coffee although he gets started on making his first drink for his first customer even if it is seemingly Josh's Friend or boyfriend. Nervously Jeonghan places the coffee on the counter and stares expectantly at Jihoon waiting for his reaction. All he gets is a nod but josh beams so jeonghan takes it as being a good response.</p><p>"Oh wow I can't believe I forgot" josh gasps and panic instantly overtakes jeonghan as he starts licking at his skin pinching his arm over an diver unable to shake the fear that's overpowering him "I've been calling you a Han and Hannie but I don't even know your age.”</p><p>Despite knowing what Josh forgot, Jeonghan  still can't shake the fear inside him but he slowly stops pinching his skin and looks up noticing Jihoon staring at the red marks left from the pinches.</p><p>"I'm 24 and was born in 95" Jeonghan says, his voice shaking slightly as he still tries to gather his  breathing and relax his speeding heart .</p><p>Josh cheers and says something about the same line of friends but Jeonghan can only hear his heart beating in his ears and his hands shaking. He needs to snap out of it cause he knows Jihoon notices but he can't just stop. Hands envelope his and he looks to see josh the contact begins to relax him and a light smile fits into his face. Jeonghan can't believe he's got such a nice boss.</p><p>It's been the 4th day Jeonghan is working there and he's met his other coworkers Minghao and Vernon and they were all just as nice as the three he'd met before he'd came to enjoy his job and grown comfortable making the different drinks, taking and serving orders and and just interacting with people. </p><p>It was 16:00 and josh and Jeonghan were on shift they were tidying up and serving some of the last takeout customers when josh offered to drop Jeonghan home despite jeonghan vehemently refusing josh knew how to get what he wanted and so at 16:40 JeongHan was sat in the passenger seat of Josh's car racking his brain for ideas. The first night josh offered to drop Jeonghan off he gave directions to the supermarket claiming he needed to get some stuff for dinner, then the day after Josh decided he wanted to drop Jeonghan off again and this time he was dropped off at McDonald's, Josh continued dropping off Jeonghan until Jeonghan couldn’t possibly think of anywhere else to say and so he said the park. </p><p>It had been 3 weeks since the trial week and even though Jeonghan had got the job he still had to save money and so he still was homeless except he could sometimes afford to go to the shelters sometimes so he was showering! Josh decided to make Jeonghan’s life harder by offering to drop him off everyday for nearly a month! Jeonghan had nowhere else he could go and he knew Josh saw through his excuses. He knew Josh knew. Jeonghan just wondered what was holding him back from out rightly mentioning it, at least it saved him the embarrassment. Jeonghan wasn't ready to explain why he was homeless and so he shoved it to the back of his brain.</p><p>
  <b>***</b>
</p><p>It had been a month and a half since Jeonghan had worked at Seventeen and he really, really loved his job. He was on shift with Chan but it was 11:00 on a Thursday morning so it was quiet.</p><p>"Hyung I'm sure I've mentioned this before but every Friday we have a movie night and I spoke to all the guys and they said they'd be happy to have you there so if you wanted to come tomorrow then we'd all be very happy" Chan says excitedly.</p><p>And Jeonghan would love to go and would hate to break Chan’s heart by not going. It's just scary to meet strangers. Jeonghan knows Josh,Chan,Mingyu,Minghao and Vernon he's worked with them for a while now and he definitely knows Seungkwan a lover of coffee and a hater of chan he was always here to bug and mess around with chan distracting him from his job but Jeonghan found it endearing, he felt slightly envious even but whenever that feeling came up he quickly shoved it down. Then there was Jihoon who was different from his first impression and quite but surprisingly sweet he came often when Josh had a shift as Jeonghan had come to find out was Josh's boyfriend. That means out of chan and his eleven friends he knew six of them, seven including Chan which meant he knew half but still it was intimidating.</p><p>Chan's puppy dog eyes are hard to refute and Jeonghan quite easily caved, which lead to him being sat in Josh's car on their way to the giant house they all stayed in that Chan somewhat seemingly forgot to mention. The way Minghao described it was like a frat house but they were all nice and no dickheads and half of them were dating each other, Vernon added. Jeonghan was nervous. If one the boys hated Jeonghan would the people he's grown to find comfort in begin to hate him as they've known him for less time. </p><p>His bouncing knee stops as Josh smiles softly whilst placing his hand over Jeonghan's knee. </p><p>"We're here." Josh calls </p><p>The house is huge and gorgeous and Jeonghan doesn't know if he is in awe or wants to combust. He thinks if he tried he could possibly simultaneously stare in awe whilst combusting but he also wouldn't like to try it while a really, really handsome man has just got out of a car.</p><p>“Wonwoo!” Josh shouts happily, always happy “you're not late today!” </p><p>Wonwoo smiles and nods his head. Turning to look at Jeonghan, and then smiles even brighter. Jeonghan was right, Josh surrounds himself with angels, gorgeously handsome angels. </p><p>As all three begin to walk to the door, Jeonghan's throat closes up and he fights his lungs for air.  His shaking hands are taken gently into someone else's and the hand squeezes in comfort.</p><p>"Don't worry Hannie I'm sure they'll love you," Josh smiles like he always does "I mean who wouldn't your amazing" </p><p>Jeonghan smiles at the compliment then remembers Wonwoo was there to see the whole thing and his cheeks begin to blush, Wonwoo just smiles at him. </p><p>They walk into the house, Josh and Jeonghan hand in hand, and through the hallway into the living room where people are sitting on the floor with cushions and blankets and on spread out on the huge couch huddled together in pyjamas. Jeonghan looks down at his clothes wishing that he wasn't homeless and had clothes to spare on a movie night. At least he had a shower two nights ago, he wouldn't want to smell with everyone being so close together. </p><p>"We'll just go and get some pyjamas on and then be right back down." </p><p>"Ok but hyung don't rush because Cheol hyung and seok still aren't here" a boy with sharp eyes and a huge smile says.</p><p>Jeonghan thought no one could beat Josh but he was proven wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Josh, who was still holding Jeonghan’s hand, led him out of the living room and up a set of stairs into a room. Jeonghan assumes it’s Josh and Jihoon’s room, the bedside pictures and the neatly organised bed. </p><p>“We’re around the same height although you're a bit skinnier than me,” Josh begins whilst rooting through some drawers “but I think these should fit fine.” </p><p>Josh places the pyjamas in jeonghan's hands smiling and jeonghan just stares down at them with that confused expression that Josh finds so endearing </p><p>“You can have a shower as well I have a new pack of pants and I can give you a towel” </p><p>Now Jeonghan isn’t one to miss out on taking a shower, when you're homeless you’ll practically take any options if it ends up with a shower, but he can’t help but feel embarrassed. Jeonghan knows Josh knows and Jeonghan knows Josh isn’t doing this to embarrass him but yet a small bit of pride fuels inside jeonghan. </p><p>Jeonghan isn’t a prideful man, he's never been prideful, not with his life anyway. With the way he grew up there was no space for pride it just got beat out of you and spending two years in prison took whatever remaining pride was left, If there was any, and got rid of it altogether. </p><p>Then a thought nestled it’s way to the forefront of Jeonghan's brain. What if he smells and Josh is trying to be polite? </p><p>“Thank you I appreciate it, I’ll try and be as quick as possible I promise.” </p><p>“I’ll leave the clothes in the shower and turn it on for you when you're out just come and get one of us and we’ll turn it off for you” Josh leaves with the pyjamas in his hands and jeonghan follows.</p><p>The bathroom was huge and the shower had like four different heads, there were so many buttons that Jeonghan had no idea what any of them meant apart from the on and off button. At least that was out of the way he thought now he won’t have to awkwardly ask someone to turn it off. </p><p>Standing in a shower with steaming hot water and hard pellets hitting his back, Jeonghan begins to cry. He hasn’t had a shower like this in like ever, it was always cold water or broken heads causing the water to jump out in spurts and yet here he was in a king like shower. If only he could use it everyday. He scraps the lotion off the cap of the shampoo and conditioner not wanting to use too much and getting in trouble and it smells luxurious, a mix of honey and coconut has jeonghan feeling so clean. </p><p>The pyjamas were so soft and the house was so warm he felt comfortable in a way he hadn’t felt for such a long time, it felt nice. </p><p>As JeongHan walked down the stairs he heard muffled voices but stopped round the corner of the living room door once he realised what they were talking about; specifically who they were talking about.</p><p>“but he’s been to prison!” An unfamiliar voice says </p><p>“He’s really nice though and he really looks after me” Chan replies </p><p>“Did he say what he spent time for?” </p><p>“No but he seemed uncomfortable so I didn’t want to bring it up,” Josh says “although we’ve known him for nearly two months he’s so sweet and deserves to feel comfortable.”</p><p>“Yeah!” Minghao begins, then lowers his voice “he deserves a place to stay.”</p><p>Jeonghan thinks over their conversation in his head wondering how to make himself known without seeming suspicious. Some of the boys already seem to dislike him and he wouldn’t want to ruin whatever friendship he had going with his coworkers.</p><p>The door opens and JeongHan stands facing the man. They both stare. Then the man smiles, of course he doesJeonghan thinks.Its like it was illegal not to smile in this house.</p><p>“I’m Seokmin!” He grins.</p><p>“Oh...I’m Jeonghan” he mumbles </p><p>“I’ll pretend I didn’t see you.” He says softly chuckling to himself as he walks upstairs. </p><p>Jeonghan steps into the living room staring down at the floor as the conversation comes to a halt. He stands awkwardly at the door for a moment before Seungkwan jumps up dragging him down onto the floor and smiling whilst Vernon forces a cushion into his arms and Minghao throws a blanket over his head from his place on the couch. </p><p>“We haven’t chosen a film yet have you got any ideas?” Says a man with a smile brighter than Joshua’s.</p><p>Jeonghan just stares then lightly shakes his head, he hasn’t watched very many films and he wouldn’t want to pick a film they didn't like making them all bored. </p><p>“Oh cheol just messaged me he won’t  make it home in time.” Josh says </p><p>The boys murmur and complain but quite down, turning to face Jeonghan.</p><p>“You can choose any film we all have different tastes so don’t worry about pleasing us” says the smiling boy.</p><p>“I’m fine” JeongHan mummers hair covering his face and eyes focused on the pillow in his arms.</p><p>“Okay that’s fine,” Seungkwan says “someone else can choose”</p><p>“Whilst I look for a film you guys can,” Josh says trailing off as he smiles at Seokmin who has just walked in and settles himself down into an empty space and then continues “introduce yourselves to Jeonghan”</p><p>“I’ll start! I’m Seokmin” he says, winking as obviously as possible at JeongHan. </p><p>“I’m Soonyoung!” The smiling man says whilst,you guessed it, smiling.</p><p>“I’m Jun”</p><p>“Hi I’m Mingyu.”</p><p>“I’m wonwoo.”</p><p>“Er..I’m Jeonghan” he says whilst still staring down at the pillow. </p><p>The guys smiled at him and then turned to the tv once Josh said he chose a film.</p><p>They put on some cartoon film that JeongHan doesn’t know but he fell asleep pretty much as soon as it started feeling so warm and relaxed. Snuggling into someone’s arm and feeling the tension leave his body as fingers combs through his hair, lulling him into the land of dreams. He wakes up the next morning by a gentle hand shaking him.</p><p>“Morning Hyung!” Soonyoung says. </p><p>Jeonghan mumbles a morning back looking around he realised he must have been the last one to wake. </p><p>“It’s 12:00 but Jisoo hyung could tell you were tired so he said we should let you sleep in and that you could come to the cafe with Vernon at his 14:00 shift,he said you’d still get paid for today even if you missed the morning” Soonyoung says resolving some of Jeonghan’s confusion.</p><p>“Whose Jisoo?” </p><p>Soonyoung laughs softly “sorry hyung I didn’t realise you might not know,” he says “that’s Joshuas’s Korean name.”</p><p>JeongHan laughs along gently and Soonyoung smiles even brighter. </p><p>The movie nights become a regular thing to JeongHan and he’s been to the past three growing comfortable with the remaining boys he hadn’t met, except for one. Apparently Seungcheol had study sessions on Friday but they were coming to an end this week and so for Jeonghan’s 4th movie night he’d have to meet Seungcheol. </p><p>Jeonghan felt slightly irritated; he had only just become comfortable with all the boys and now he had to meet another stranger. It isn’t your house! they may feel uncomfortable meeting you his brain reminds him but for once Jeonghan would like to complain about something that ultimately holds no real meaning in his life and so he complains, in his brain at least. Although he was wrong about this meeting not holding anything of importance in his life,he was very wrong.</p><p>Seungcheol was sitting on the couch as he walked into the living room. He was shirtless. Jeonghan doesn’t know why Seungcheol was shirtless but he knows he likes it and to show that he likes it Jeonghan runs out of the living room a pink hue taking over his face and darkening on his neck and runs up into Joshua’s bedroom seeing Jihoon sat on the bed. Jihoon smiles knowingly, always smiling knowingly. </p><p>It’s awkward walking back into the living room and Jeonghan is very disappointed once he sees Seungcheol has a shirt on but he sits down somehow being pushed into the middle of Mingyu and Seungcheol,  As whatever film was chosen is turned on Jeonghan settles down and falls asleep at the beginning of the film like always resting his head on the nearest body which just so happened to be Seungcheol the man he just met and had instantly embarrassed himself in front of. A muscled arm wraps itself around Jeonghan’s body and Jeonghan moves closer. </p><p>
  <b>***</b>
</p><p>It had been just under two months since Jeonghan had been hired and he still didn’t have a permanent place to stay but he could afford a hostel; it wasn't amazing quality, it wasn’t even good quality, but it was a lot better than a park bench and a bit safer. Jeonghan had been keeping his eyes out for cheap places to rent but it seemed like he’d never get enough money with how expensive living accommodations seemed to be and so when Jeonghan was losing all hope like a guardian angel Josh finally decided now was the time to mention the homeless situation.</p><p>“Hannie...” Josh starts but stops as if he was considering how to go about the topic “you know that I know your homeless,” he frowns slightly “and you know we live in a huge house a house with space for an extra person...and so we had a group meeting and we all agreed that we’re all fine with you moving in.” </p><p>Jeonghan disagrees. Not out of pride or anything like that it’s just that he doesn’t want to rely on someone in case things turn out wrong and then he’s thrown out and homeless again. It seems Josh and all the other boys disagree with the fact that Jeonghan disagrees, and they show it in many different ways. </p><p>Mingyu somehow manages to come every lunch time talking about how he hates even numbers and think odd numbers are best for living arrangements, Chan  brings out the watery puppy dog eyes and the soft pout whenever he thinks Jeonghan is looking, Minghao leaves strongly worded notes in the staff room that Jeonghan keeps and looks at before he goes to sleep laughing at how cute he finds Minghao even Jihoon mentions that he would enjoy having Jeonghan as a housemate and Jeonghan feels so wanted that after a long week of disagreeing he lets Josh know he would move in. </p><p>Jeonghan feels so happy.</p><p>The room was spacious with a double bed pushed up at the wall and an empty wardrobe and cabinet which Jeonghan assumed was for his clothes. Jeonghan didn’t have very many clothes he took a small amount of money from his wages to buy a few sets of clothes but because he was so desperate for a permanent living space he didn’t want to spend too much and so he had five sets of clothes altogether. Five sets was a small amount and no matter how hard he washed them in the sink,his hostel didn’t have a washing machine and the laundromat was too expensive, he felt sorry for the boys. Jeonghan wasn’t too insecure about his clothes as he had more important things to focus on than wearing discoloured and worn out clothes but he was scared that anything could be the tipping point for him being fired and he didn’t want his look to be the reason why. Deep down in his sub conscious he knew he wouldn’t be fired for something as simple as his clothes but having spent his life being constantly put down he struggled to accept when people were nice. Like always instead of speaking about his worries Jeonghan shoved them away and forced his brain to focus on another topic. How did he get so lucky? He went from being homeless to staying in a hostel to living in a huge house with his own bedroom in less than three months.</p><p>Jeonghan thanked his lucky stars that there was an empty room, he wouldn’t of minded sharing but he also wouldn’t like to have intruded in someone’s personal space just because josh felt a bit of pity for him and somehow managed to persuaded the boys into letting him move in, and for free aswell. Jeonghan knew he had no pride, I mean if he had pride he wouldn’t be staying in a house with his own room for free and JeongHan knew pride got you know where and it was better to just resign yourself to accept when someone is be gratuitous but he couldn’t help thinking his life was becoming two good to be true.</p><p>Josh had practically forced Jeonghan to have a day off, it seemed like now Jeonghan had moved in the guys had taken it upon themselves to look after him, Jeonghan would like to appreciate it considering his parental issues and bad choice in partners had unfortunately caused him to have crippling mental health issues so any form of empathy or just plain kindness had Jeonghan desperate for it to continue it's just the big problem was Jeonghan needed money. He didn't know how long the boys would accept him in the house and he knew they could kick him out whenever they felt like it, he was even paying rent for Christ sake, so Jeonghan had to continue saving so he could afford a place to live; Jeonghan needed a place to stay where he didn't feel like a burden. The boys tried, they tried very hard to help Jeonghan know that they wanted him in the house but they didn't know how to help Jeonghan see that through his own mind they came up with the few ideas but Soonyoung put his idea into action first and so that why Jeonghan was spending a random Thursday in a shopping centre watching Soonyoung try on different clothes. </p><p>"Seungkwan has had us booked in this restaurant for a while so I need something nice to wear, I don't want to seem like a snob but I also want wear something that fits the restaurants vibe," Soonyoung sighs in frustration "hyung, have you go any ideas?"</p><p>Jeonghan has only ever owned second hand clothes so unfortunately he doesn't have any ideas.</p><p>"I'm not sure but I'm confused on why you thought I'd be a good choice to help you go shopping” He laughs. </p><p>"I'll come back with Seokmin. I'm sure he'll know, let's just look for some casual clothes." Soonyoung says walking to a rack holding different types of tops.</p><p>"Oh my god! Hyung I've just had an amazing idea! What about if we wore matching outfits." </p><p>Jeonghan disagrees, at first, but Soonyoung is one persuasive man who knows how to get his own way and by getting his own way JeongHan means running away and paying for the clothes before Jeonghan can stop him. This happens about six times, but it's only when JeongHan is sat in the back seat of Seungcheol car on the way back to the house looking out the window he realises that Soonyoung didn't want his fashion advice and just used that as an excuse to buy him some clothes, Jeonghan starts laughing. </p><p>"What are you laughing at Hyung?" Soonyoung asks confused </p><p>"I just realised why you asked me to come with you." Jeonghan says in between his choking fit from laughing so hard.</p><p>Soonyoung turns looking at Seungcheol expecting to see the same face of confusion but instead he sees a soft smile and rosy cheeks, Seungcheol had a crush. Soonyoung chuckles oh he was so gonna have fun with this. </p><p>They pull up to the house and Soonyoung jumps out before the car fully stops shouting his thanks at Seungcheol for picking them up from the shopping centre and running through the door. </p><p>"I wonder why he's in such a rush." Seungcheol days whilst laughing softly. </p><p>JeongHan just shrugs and Seungcheol thinks he looks so damn pretty. </p><p>"This is kind of random and I know-" Seungcheols ringtone cuts him off, and he smiles apologetically, then answers the call. </p><p>Jeonghan whispers a thanks and walks into the house hearing complete and utter chaos. He settles down onto the couch mumbling a hello to the guys who quiet down for a moment replying to Jeonghan but the noise starts up very soon after. </p><p>"So what you're telling us is that you three have been dating for 4 months and no one knew?" Seungkwan shouts </p><p>"No! Some people knew" Jun says looking at Minghao, Josh and Vernon. </p><p>"How come I didn't know!" Whines Chan.</p><p>"I told you!" Mingyu shouts </p><p>"Oh I must have not heard..." mumbles Chan.</p><p>"Or ignored like you always do!" Says Seungkwan laughing loudly causing Chan to slap the back of his head and then set off running when Seungkwan tries to attack. </p><p>"I'm happy for you guys." Jihoon says and Wonwoo and Jeonghan nodded in agreement. </p><p>"We're back!" Shouts chan </p><p>"Yeah tells us everything!" Seungkwan adds </p><p>"We weren't sure how a poly relationship would work and we still wanted to figure out if it worked before we told everyone, I mean none of us have ever been in a poly relationship so things were new but we're more comfortable and want to move into a room together" Seokmin says whilst holding Mingyu and Jun's hand and smiling. </p><p>"There's one problem though," josh starts</p><p>"Oh don't worry hyung we already thought of that" Mingyu says cutting Josh short and the three turn to look at Jeonghan. </p><p>Josh realises they're idea and turns looking at him too. Jeonghan realising the attention is in him looks down. </p><p>"Wh-what's the problem?"</p><p>"It's nothing bad Hannie hyung," Mingyu says </p><p>"Ohhhh! I know what it is." Chan says "Seungcheol hyung hates staying alone but now he'll have to because min hyung will move in with Jun hyung and Gyu hyung." </p><p>Jeonghan was expecting worse but this wouldn't be too bad. </p><p>"I'm also a cuddler." Adds Seungcheol </p><p>When did he come inside? </p><p>"If you're uncomfortable we can find other options don't feel like you have to share a room with Seungcheol because like he said you would also be sharing a bed and everyone has different boundaries." Josh says smiling comfortably. </p><p>JeongHan actually likes the idea. Seungcheol is really nice and during the movie nights when he's fell asleep next to cheol he's had some of the best sleeps in his life but he's just scared. What if he had a nightmare and woke Cheol up? What about if he does something weird in his sleep? He knows Seungcheol said he likes cuddling but still he might not like it with Jeonghan. What about if he disagreed and they kicked him out?</p><p>"It's fine I don't mind." Jeonghan ends up saying. </p><p>And Josh always has a response that makes Jeonghan wonder if he can read minds. </p><p>"We won't kick you out if you disagree hannie," he laughs making Jeonghan blush "just choose what your comfortable with"</p><p>Jeonghan thinks about it again but he finds he is comfortable with it and he knows Seungcheol is an amazing person who wouldn't do anything to hurt him. Soohyun was a nice person at first his brain reminds him. Jeonghan ignores it. Soohyun is gone. </p><p>"Honestly I don't mind." Jeonghan smiles, truly. </p><p>Seungcheol decided since Jeonghan's room was bigger he should move in there and the guys got set in helping him move everything over. Jeonghan now has a TV in his room. Well their room. Since Jeonghans still only owned small amounts of clothes there was more than enough space for Seungcheol to put his stuff in the wardrobe but he decided to only brung the necessities and leave the rest in his old wardrobe, for when Jeonghan bought more clothes.  It was late once they finally sorted out the room and Jeonghan was extremely tired, as if his body was catching up from the near 3 months he'd been continuously working. He lay in bed unsure on what side Seungcheol would prefer and afraid to go asleep in case Seungcheol needed him to move. Seungcheol walked in wearing no shirt. </p><p>"I'm sorry I usually just sleep in my boxers but i thought that might make you feel uncomfortable so I compromised" he smiles </p><p>"Oh no no that would be nice-I mean not nice-well I mean I'm not saying it would be bad I was just saying you could do what you want and..."</p><p>Seungcheol leans on the bed and brings his finger to Jeonghan's lips, shushing him softly and then chuckling slightly to himself. </p><p>"I get what you were saying Han but it isn't just what I want if your uncomfortable that's not fair." Seungcheol says harshly but only because he wished JeongHan would realise that him being uncomfortable was valid and that he didn't have to accept feeling uncomfortable just because someone was too selfish to be considerate. How did someone like this even go to prison? Seungcheol quickly pushed away the thought knowing curiosity would get him nowhere. </p><p>"No Cheol, it's well and truly fine." Jeonghan affirms seeing the internal war Seungcheol looked like he was going through. </p><p>In the end Seungcheol got into bed in his boxers but they both lay awkwardly staring at the ceiling. Jeonghan wished Seungcheol would pull him closer but didn't want to initiate anything himself. It seemed like he fell asleep to those thoughts as he woke up with an arm wrapped around him and his face snuggled into a chest. They somehow moved together during the night but Jeonghan wasn't complaining. For the first few nights they stayed together they slept away from each other but always managed to wake up cuddling. Seungcheol had enough. It was the 5th night and Jeonghan was lying trying to fall asleep when he yelled a little surprised when an arm pulled him closer. He was pulled into Seungcheol’s side and rested his head on Seungcheol’s chest. It was nice and Jeonghan wished it would never end. </p><p>By the second week of staying together Seungcheol and JeongHan instantly cuddled but tonight was different. They lay facing each other talking about work and everything but all Seungcheol could think about was how soft Jeonghan's lips looked and what they would feel like to kiss. He stroked Jeonghan's hair and moved closer, pressing their faces together.</p><p>"Can I kiss you?" Seungcheol whispers </p><p>As soon as Jeonghan nods he presses their lips together and then moves away leaving JeongHan with a chaste kiss and a huge smile. It wasn't until a week after when they actually had their first date. </p><p>Seungcheol despite having kissed JeongHan struggled to ask JeongHan out on a date but with a push from josh and being bullied by Seungkwan and chan, when those two worked together they were powerful, he finally asked JeongHan out. </p><p>They ended up going to the beach, and Jeonghan enjoyed it immensely as he had never been. The sand felt different than what he had thought it would feel like but he soon got used to it. They played in the water and built sand castles and ate ice cream and Jeonghan felt like he could cry from happiness the day had been the best day he'd ever had. The day only got better. Lying in bed after the long day JeongHan was exhausted but when Seungcheol kissed Jeonghan hard he woke up. The kiss was longer and a lot more than their usual chaste kisses but Jeonghan loved it just as much if not more as he melted in Seungcheol’s arms and it felt like his heart melted too. The day was even better. They both fell asleep as cuddling boyfriends,yes on the first date, and smiling.</p><p>
  <b>***</b>
</p><p>It had been 6 months since he had got the job and Jeonghan knew everything was going too smoothly; He was dating Seungcheol, he hadn’t had any nightmares and only had a few small panic attacks, he only worked 3 times a week now as the guys forced him to work less hours and he actually started to feel happy more than he felt sad. But like he expected things were going to get bad, everything couldn’t go this well for him, it never has and never will. </p><p>It all started with an innocent conversation.</p><p>“Oh hannie your up!” Seungcheol smiled brightly at Jeonghan’s sleepy face “your just in time.”</p><p>“In time for what?” </p><p>“It’s nearly Christmas time and every year we have a huge family dinner. Even Jun and Minghao’s parents come!” Soonyoung exclaims “and we were just figuring out what day suits everyone’s families the best.” </p><p>Jeonghan knew at some point he would have to explain his family situation to the boys but he was embarrassed and afraid. What if the boys disliked him once they knew? What if they thought less of him? What if…!</p><p>“Hyung it’s ok.”</p><p>“Hannie breathe me come on…” </p><p>Jeonghan wants to breathe so badly but he can't, his lungs feel so tight and his throat aches as his chest fights for air. The world blurs as his eyes water and he’s trapped. Trapped back in that house with that woman. The woman who should have cared for him and loved him but instead made his childhood life hell. </p><p>A thumb wipes his tears away and strokes his hair;mummering words of encouragement as Jeonghan’s breathes become lighter. </p><p>“You feeling better?” Josh says.</p><p>Jeonghan nods too tired to speak. </p><p>“The pancakes are finished but I just realised…” Mingyu says fake wiping a tear as he walks into the living room unbeknownst to the panic attack JeongHan just had “there’s no whipped cream.”</p><p>“I wonder who ate it all?” Josh says, looking towards Vernon still stroking Jeonghan’s hair.</p><p>“It wasn't me!” Vernon yells defending himself although once realising the looks he’s getting mumbles “not this time anyway.”</p><p>All 13 of them sit at the table eating pancakes having quiet conversations amongst themselves.</p><p>“My mum’s dead.” </p><p>The boys stop. </p><p>“I never knew my dad.” Jeonghan continues “mum said he died but sometimes when she got drunk she’d cry to me about not being good enough for him.” </p><p>“I mean I’m not bothered anyway that’s she’s dead I know it’s a mean thing to say but I hate her,” Jeonghan ignores the empathetic looks he’s getting and the hand stroking his back continuing on his rant “I just I guess sometimes I do miss her usually in times like these,” Jeonghan lets out a self deprecating chuckle “times when I’m surrounded by everyone or when you guys talk about family I guess, I don’t know, I feel jealous.”</p><p>They sit in silence for a few moments.</p><p>“It’s not your fault though I get over it pretty easy and I mean I’m used to it.” Jeonghan stares down at the table awkwardly. </p><p>No ones saying anything. Why isn’t anyone saying anything?</p><p>“Oh Jeonghan.” Josh lets out his voice shaky. </p><p>“We’re so happy you opened up to us and it’s fine you don’t need to have a family member you can even bring a friend if you want.” Seokmin says in good will. </p><p>Josh loves Seokmin, he really does. It's just sometimes he’s a pretty bad reader of rooms, emotions and picking up social cues.</p><p>“I don’t have anyone.” Jeonghan mumbles. </p><p>“That’s fine, there’s enough family to go round.” Jun says in all seriousness.</p><p>Jeonghan can’t help but burst out in laughter. Jun could be so funny when he didn’t intend to and even funnier when he did, and as if everyone had taken laughing gas the table erupted in laughter. </p><p>“I mean he’s right!” Seungkwan said in between his gasps for air.</p><p>Mingyu clutched his stomach in pain whilst chan rubbed his cheeks gently them both being in pain from laughing so hard. </p><p>“I love you jun.” Jeonghan says unintendedly. </p><p>The table silences again.</p><p>“I love you too hyung.” Jun says and runs over to Jeonghan, squashing him with a hug. </p><p>“I want to hug hannie hyung too!” Whines chan.</p><p>And then the boys end up in a dog pile in the dining room and Jeonghan thinks life couldn’t be any better.   </p><p>
  <b>***</b>
</p><p>“I know this is last minute but I’ve got a meeting with my caseworker, they had to push it forward since they’re going into labour soon so I can’t work my shift tomorrow.”</p><p>“That’s fine we can figure something out,” Josh smiles “I’m sure one of the boys won’t mind taking your shift.”</p><p>Jeonghan smiles and walks off to serve a customer but is stopped by Josh holding his wrist.</p><p>“You don’t need to be dropped off anywhere do you?”</p><p>“It’s fine I can get the bus or walk, I’m used to walking everywhere anyway.”</p><p>“Are you sure I don’t mind and I’m definitely sure Seungcheol won’t mind.” Josh adds, smirking a little whilst laughing as Jeonghan walks away his cheeks blushing.</p><p>“What do u think Jeonghan did?” Seungkwan asks.</p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>“Like why did he go to prison?”</p><p>“Oh that,” Vernon says “I don’t like to speculate he’ll tell us in his own time.”</p><p>“But do u not think about it sometimes what about if he murdered someone that means we’d be living with a murderer!” Seungkwan shivers “does that not scare you?”</p><p>“First of there’s no way hyung could kill someone I mean he’s the sweetest guy ever and we shouldn’t be nosy it’s rude to him we don’t know his circumstances.” </p><p>“Also there’s no way he murdered someone it doesn’t seem like he was in prison for long definetly not murder sentence long and we know he was homeless so he problem had a petty crime like theft.” Wonwoo says adding to the conversation.</p><p>“What would we do if it turned out he was a murderer.” Chan said, spooked out. </p><p>“We’d definitely kick him out, I mean there’s no way we could live with a murderer,right?” </p><p>The four boys sit in the living room silent for a moment.</p><p>“Of course hyung there’s no way Josh hyung or Cheol hyung would let us live with a murderer no matter how much Cheol loves-”</p><p>The front door closes. The guys stare in guilt at Jeonghan who runs up the stairs and Seungkwan heart breaks hearing the quiet sob Jeonghan let out. </p><p>“We’ve made hyung sad,” Chan says rubbing his arms guiltily “Imagine how upset he must have been to hear us speak about him like that.” </p><p>The boys stare at the floor worriedly unsure on whether to console him or leave him alone. </p><p>Jeonghan knew. Of course they would get curious. He shouldn't cry about the inevitable but he can’t help it as the sobs force their way out of him as he lies on the bed. With the meeting with his case worker and the boys talking about why he was in prison, memories he’d rather ignore than face bubbles taking over his brain.</p><p>And he’s 16 again. He’s 16 and he’s in love, in complete and unadulterated love. Jeonghan was so in love he could shout it from the rooftops and so he does. On their picnic,stargazing, Spider-Man-esque date, Jeonghan named the date he was young, sue him, they held hands and yelled out their love for each other and he’s so incandescently happy. His heart aches and he smiles so brightly so freely because he’s happy; happy in a way he’s never been before and it’s all because of Soohyun, the love of his life. His boyfriend. </p><p>Then he’s 18 and he’s sobbing in the bathroom holding his nose in pain. Soohyun hit him. Punched him in the face. Then left. And Jeonghan’s alone, alone again after two years of being cared for being alone hurts a lot more than it used to and so when Soohyun comes home the next day apologising with flowers and hugging Jeonghan so tightly he feels like kangaroo in his mother’s pouch, he forgives Soohyun with a kiss and everything’s right as rain again. For a few months anyway. </p><p>Now he's 19 and he can take the punches a lot easier he shouldn’t complain since Soohyun saved him from the streets, that’s what Soohyun said to Jeonghan anyway and Jeonghans spent his whole life being a punching bag he just takes it like he takes everything else. And he can take it but when he wakes up in the middle of the night to soohyun pounding in him he questions if he can take anymore feeling the urge to push him off. That would be ungrateful his brain reminds him you’ve had sex with him before and it’s the least you could do considering your living off him for free. Jeonghan lays there,still. Tears swamp in his eyes as he blinks them away smiling at Soohyun who strokes his face and pulls in Jeonghan's long hair, Soohyun liked his hair long.</p><p>Once he hit 21 he was used to it. Used to waking up with blood dried on his thighs and cum stained on his pyjamas. Used to waking up to his hair being grabbed and Soohyun choking him. Used to plates being thrown if the food isn’t nice enough of noses bleeding from saying no to sex. Jeonghan is used to everything and he takes everything like he’s been taking it for three years. Sometimes Soohyun is nice like back when Jeonghan was 16 and they were starting out and he buys flowers and takes Jeonghan out for dates kissing away his tears when he apologises to Jeonghan for being so aggressive and every time Jeonghan melts it’s moments like these when he remembers why he loves Soohyun. </p><p>And it’s moments like these when he forgets. Jeonghan is 22 and covered in Soohyun's blood. Staring down at Soohyun's lifeless body, his bruised and blooded body shaking of course even in death Jeonghan would be the one in the most pain whilst Soohyun lays there hardly covered in blood looking so peaceful. JeongHan loves Soohyun so much, Jeonghan feels empty. </p><p>
  <b>***</b>
</p><p>Sitting in the living room choosing a film is awkward. Jeonghan knows the boys must have mentioned the earlier incident but he hoped that everyone would pretend it didn’t happen. </p><p>“I can tell you why I was in prison.” Jeonghan mumbles.</p><p>“No it’s fine you can tell us whenever your ready or you don’t ever have to tell us it’s your choice it doesn’t matter what you went to prison for we know you as who you are now and that’s-” josh gets cut off </p><p>“I killed someone.” </p><p>The silence drags and Jeonghan regrets even bringing it up. He knew Josh would change his mind once he knew why he was in prison. No one spilt want to live with a murderer. </p><p>Jeonghan got up preparing to pack the necessities but was stopped by Seongcheol pulling him down onto his lap. </p><p>“Why are you getting up?” Cheol asks </p><p>“I’m packing my stuff.” Jeonghan mumbles.</p><p>“What did you say?” Seungcheol asks.</p><p>“I’m packing my stuff.”</p><p>“Hannie I can’t hear you.”</p><p>“I’m packing my stuff! Ok! It’s that ok with you!” Jeonghan yells.</p><p>“But why!”</p><p>“What do you mean why! it’s obvious I’m not wanted here.” </p><p>“What gave you that idea?” Mingyu asks.</p><p>“You guys have got to be having me on! I just told you I’m a murderer and you are all fine with me staying here!” Jeonghan laughs slightly “are we supposed to watch and act as if everything’s ok and you aren't sitting in the room with a criminal who murdered their own boyfriend!”</p><p>“Why are you so admanent in taking the blame! Why are you so fine with being hurt?” Seungcheol says chest rising in anger </p><p>“I’m not-what do you?” Jeonghan stares baffled.</p><p>“You were in prison for 2 years there must be more to the story and we’ve been with each other for nearly a year we know you’ve had a rough past we just didn’t dig because we wanted you to come to us yourself.” Josh says.</p><p>“Yes we wanted you to be comfortable! In no way did we want it to happen like this but if you're ready we can sit and talk now about everything we can communicate it will help you feel a lot better.” Seungcheol says.</p><p>“I don’t even know where to start.” Jeonghan says tears dripping down his eyes. </p><p>Should he start with how his mum was an alcoholic with anger issues who took it out on her son or his when he was 15 he ran anyway and met his abusive ex boyfriend or how in prison he was on constant edge of being attacked. His life had been tough and being surrounded by such a supportive group of people who had probably never experienced anything like this made it even harder for him to talk about it but Jeonghan knew talking would help and he really didn’t want to lose the closest thing he’s ever had to family in a long time. </p><p>“I guess I had a pretty rough life…” Jeonghan says putting the words together in his head “my mum was an alcoholic and abused me from a really young age until I ran away when I was 15, I never really spent time dwelling on why but I think she was angry at my dad, at life, at the world and I get it, we struggled for money and being a single mother is hard but I just wish she tried to get help instead of dealing with it on her own...maybe then she would of loved me.” </p><p>Jeonghan swallows down a sob and ignores the other guys faces continuing the story.</p><p>“Being a single mother is taboo in Korea so I guess that’s why she kept it herself but it was hard.”</p><p>“I remember once when I was 4 I had a bed wetting problem and she never changed my sheets so until I learned to do them myself they weren’t changed and she came into my room and she was angry so angry about the sheets and so she picked me up by my shirt and…” Jeonghan sobs squashing himself into Seungcheol “she erm...she lifted me horizontally and just dropped me, I fell straight on to the floor my whole body slammed down and when I erm...when I cried she-she kicked my head and told me to shut up.”</p><p>Jeonghan takes a moment wiping his eyes and stabilizing his breath.</p><p>“That’s my first memory.”</p><p>“Your first memory ever?” Seokmin asks.</p><p>Chan cries loudly seeing Jeonghan nod his head. </p><p>“When she would smoke she would put the cigarette by pressing it into my skin I still have scars.” Jeonghan lifts up his T-shirt showing his stomach covered with burns. The boys gasp in shock hearts breaking for Jeonghan.</p><p>“She would smash her alcohol bottles in anger and would make me walk on them I think that was the worst because other times I could just pass it off as her being angry but-but when it was situations like that I knew she just did it because he’s hated me,” Jeonghan shakes violently unable to hide his cries “why did she do that to me? What did I do to deserve that? I was just a child.”</p><p>The only thing Seungcheol can do is hold Jeonghan tighter.</p><p>“I ran away when I was 15 and I fell in with the wrong people but through those people I met Soohyun and he was so handsome and caring and he was older than me, I think he was like 20 or 21 but he was so nice to me.” Jeonghan smiles at the memories.</p><p>“He bought me gifts and I was living homeless and naive I was so naive but also desperate I was desperate to be loved and cared for so when Soohyun showed me that genuine kindness I latched onto it I held it so tightly I just wouldn’t let go and we fell in love...It was sweet, well at first anyway but I guess I was given the worst luck anyone could possibly have because he started to hit me.”</p><p>Jeonghan quietens and just sits staring at his hands that haven’t stopped fidgeting. </p><p>“I really loved him and he really loved me he would apologise… at first but then after a year he’d just do it and I was used to it so just took it but then he-he had sex with me I mean it wasn’t  rape because we were dating and we’d had sex before and I never said no but I didn’t like it and it hurt it really hurt-it really fucking hurt and I guess I hadn’t felt pain like that before so I thought it was normal.” </p><p>Jeonghan sits for a moment thinking.</p><p>“Hannie I don’t mean to interrupt but I what you to know that it was rape what he was doing to you and whether you said no, whether you fought him or whether you just lay there it’s rape and that it is in no way your fault.” Josh says, hoping he gets through to Jeonghan.</p><p>Jeonghan smiles at Josh, grateful he had someone like that, his best friend.</p><p>“I was 22 and we’d been together for around 6 to 7 years, Soohyun hadn’t done anything different from usual but I think I just snapped after he-after he...erm had sex with me I got up I grabbed a knife and I just stabbed him I think I did it like 5 times and as soon as I did it I regretted it,” he cries out “I regretted it so bad because I loved him! I really really loved him and he loved me and I just killed him like that I just stabbed him!” Jeonghan sobs louder “and so I lay there hugging him so tight I was drenched in his blood completely soaked and Soohyun, he lay there looking so peaceful and relaxed and as I stood up staring down at him I wondered how I would feel if I died and I considered it I was so prepared to stab myself and I don’t know why or what stopped me but I put down the knife, called the police and turned myself in.” </p><p>The boys console Jeonghan, all of them hugging or stroking some type of his body so haunted by what Jeonghan has had to go through.</p><p>“I had a lot of proof through messages to friends, neighbours who testified and bruises so I could prove it was self defence but because I stabbed more than once I had to do time.” </p><p>Jeonghan smiles at the boys surprised he feels lighter after talking as he snuggles into Seungcheol and relaxes with Wonwoo stroking his hair.</p><p>“What was prison like?” Seokmin asks.</p><p>“I think Jeonghan has done enough talking today that he must be tired.” Seungcheol says. </p><p>“No I’m fine,it’s fine and anyway I’d rather get it all out now.” JeongHan says turning his head to smile at Seokmin.</p><p>“Prison...it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting I mean I was pretty-”</p><p>“Are pretty.” Minghao says making Chan pout and Jeonghan smile at Hao’s cuteness.</p><p>“Thanks Hao, and where was I? Oh yes I heard what happened to pretty boys in prison and I was attacked a few times but I just kept up my guard and didn’t get on anyone’s bad side although I was very happy to get out of there even though it meant I’d be homeless.”</p><p>“We’re so happy you shared that with us Han and I’m sure that if you're comfortable with it we can get you some sessions with a psychologist.” Josh says.</p><p>“I’m not sure I’d have to think about it…” Jeonghan trails off.</p><p>“That’s fine whatever is best for you.”</p><p>They lay there hugging for a few minutes all content with being close. </p><p>“I love you guys...I love you guys so much.” Jeonghan says, his heart is warm.</p><p>“I love you to hyung and everyone else I love everyone else as well.” Chan says </p><p>“Me too! I love you all.” Seungkwan adds.</p><p>And as soon as everyone has given their variation of ‘love you’s’ Jeonghan breaks into tears.</p><p>“Hyung why are you crying?”</p><p>“Because I’m happy.” He cries louder.</p><p>“I’m so so happy.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><b>***<br/></b>


<b>EPILOGUE-1 Year Later</b><br/>
17th December,</p><p> </p><p>“Hi Mrs Kim.” JeongHan says waving </p><p>“Oh, none of that Jeonghan call me eomma.” Mingyu’s mum smiles.</p><p>“Hi Mrs Lee it’s so nice to see you.” Jeonghan says taking Chan’s parents' coats.</p><p>“We’re family here Jeonghan you’ll have it call me eomma.”</p><p>“Mrs Park, hi.”</p><p>“There are too many Mrs Parks, call me momma.”</p><p>And if Jeonghan asks eomma to pass the salt at dinner and everyone’s mum makes a grab, making Jeonghan break into tears, that's no one's business. </p><p>He guesses Jun was right, there’s more than enough family to go round. </p><p>Jeonghan half laughs and half cries as he’s grabbed into a hug from Soonyoung’s mum only to be passed around to every mum until they all agree he’s had enough hugs. </p><p>Jeonghan loves his family.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It was long and it took me a while to write this but thank you so much for reading and thank you even more if you made it to the bottom lol</p><p>Please leave a comment if you liked or kudos I appreciate any and all support. </p><p>tyyyyyyyyyyy<br/>STREAM HOME;RUN!!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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